Hey what else can we do now?

ack. feeling' bad. feelin' like a part of me is gone. how fuckin' crazy is that? pretty fuckin' crazy.
nic sheff (author of tweak) took down his blog today. ahhh. so what.
so why do i feel so...............bad.sad??? idk.

i'm wishing him luck.
i'm hoping he grows up.
lives long enough to grow up.
i'm glad.
he's movin' on.


so what else can we do now? but............

roll down the window and let
the wind
blow back your hair...

movin' on....
movin' on...
movin'
on.....

religious a.d.d.

my son and daughter both have attention deficit disorder...
my son with the hyperactivity.
my daughter, not.

what the whole thing boils down to is that...they hyper focus on some things and cannot focus at all on others. the littlest of noises bother them while trying to say...take a test. However, an atom bomb would not stir them while focusing on...say...a book they were reading or television show they were watching.

so...where am i headed with this?

religion. a.d.d. no amount of argument or discussion will sway some from their belief in ...'whatever'....
and with some....the whole religious shiz is up for debate.
and then with others....they totally believe..while at church on Sunday...for that one hour...
and then, others...well the jewish, buddhist, indian, baptist, born again, scientologists, mormon, jehovah w., underground left, above ground right...they all just don't count, now, do they?
THEY believe they are the ONLY ones.
But other's BELIEVE that THEY are.

There's this girl, Michaela(?) who is in a cult in Redding CA who believes she has all the answers. Yet she refuses to discuss her beliefs.

There's a guy i know in NH who attendes church 7 days a week. Yet he goes out 7 days a week, drinks, gets in fights and is unable to support his children. He believes he has all the answers, yet he refuses to discuss it.

ack. i think this subject is up for grabs.

but it certainly could make for some good conversation.

it is only the people who think they have all the answers that are AFRAID of the discussion.

who has the power?

I.
am.
thankful.
to….all.
those.
that
have come beforeme.

I.
am.
thankful.
to all that have….
enlightened
me.

I.
am.
only as intelligent as …..
the knowledge that has been shared.

I.
am.
not that smart.
nor am I that dumb.
but I can learn…and knowledge is….

I.
am.
thankful.
to anyone who….
makes me think.
makes me wonder.
makes me question.
takes me down a notch.
helps me to see.
and to understand…
just a little.

and knowledge is…..
power.

i am thankful for a little power......over myself.

the tale of the wooden sliver

so my husband was helping some contractor friends of ours put in a few new windows in our house about 10 days ago. He was brushing off the wood molding with his hand before he stained and painted them.and then he got a sliver.
a big sliver.
and it was bleeding and really sore. and he couldn't get it out.

and the guys putting in our windows laughed at him.so he stopped trying to get it out. and he put some stuff on it and he bandaged it and it hurt

but it was justa sliver.

and he went up to New Hampshire to visit his family and friends and they told him to try all these 'no fail sliver removal cures' that all failed. and his finger became more and more infected.

and sore. and the sliver disappeared. it was in there...somewhere....and then he went on... to do his job which involved traveling to boston, ma and connecticut before coming home on Wednesday.

His finger was really very swelled up with an off-white putrid area around the hole where the sliver went in.I made him go to the doctor, who sent him to a 'hand surgeon'. both doctors told him it was really infected and they had to send samples of the infection to THE State Infectious Control Site because there are infections rampaging thru the US now that have virtually only ONE anitbiotic that will fight them. and they can't give that antibiotic out unless it is approved. SO...the hand guy says he Cannot take that sliver out in his office. It is too infected, too close to the bone and the infection could travel thru his body within hours.They admit him to the hospital for emergency surgery...for a freakin' sliver!

and they operated on his finger. and they wrap his finger from tip to wrist. and he can't move his whole hand and he has to keep it totally elevated...andthey prescribe him...VICODIn

...and out of all this....the vicodin freaks me out.i am so afraid of these opiate based drugs.after nic(sheff). after all i've read. and heard. and watched on tv.
that is what freaks me.I have a fear of these drugs.a healthy fear? well, a fear.addiction...is sooooo.....scary. to me.ok. that's my friday story. I'm going to bed now. and if my husband is in pain...well...maybe one vicodin...BUT that's it!knowledge is power.yep. for now anyway.

anonymous blog idiots

I need some answers….

so feel free to comment.

Why? do I feel inclined to leave comments on [NIc Sheff, author of Tweak’s] blog when I know that a lot of the other commentors are only going to make fun of me and make rude jokes and silly, juvenile comments. Why do I think? Cause I guess I feel that maybe I’ll help someone. or that maybe….what I say is somewhat meaningful.

but…is this why I really leave comments???
I think there may be more to it…

Super Highway or Super Hideaway??

So, I’ve been leaving comments on this blog that is posted by a young author, Nic Sheff,. He has written an autobiography regarding his addiction to drugs, mainly Meth. His book was riveting, moving, difficult to read sometimes but impossible to put down. So, I was really glad to see that he decided to start a post-book blog. He talks about the difficulties he’s having with a sober life and his hopes and his feeling about just about everything. His essays are really quite an insight into his sober life. I find them really well written and I look forward to them. He posts every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He’s been doing it faithfully for a month now.

I usually leave a comment, or a question or some (51 year old) advice. I think he reads most of the comments left and sometime he leaves comments back. It’s really a kind of cool way to communicate with (1) the author of a book and (2) a really interesting kid who lives in California who most people would never have had the chance to talk to.

So, each of his blogs receive lots and lots of different comments from a wide variety of people. The comments sometimes are just as interesting and as enlightening as Nic’s posts. People from all over the world have left their opinions, advice, and support for Nic. This is what this new fangled thing called the internet is all about!

However, in the past couple of weeks, more and more comments have been left on Nic’s blog that really do not have anything at all to do with his essays. There have been people (I think they might be young kids, but someone replied recently that some of them are in their 20’s and 30’s) who post comments under the cloak of “anonymous” or “private profile” and by comments, I mean they write silly poems about each other, they have huge side conversations about things that have nothing to do with Nic, like the spelling of words, they make fun of other commenters, even to go so far as to checking out other’s profile and blogs and making derogatory remarks about them. Some of these people have been down right hostile. Some have suggested the Nic should go smoke some dope or ‘just overdose already’.

So, I guess my question is this: Is this a normal kind of thing that people in their teens, 20’s, 30’s or even older do on blogs? Am I wrong for finding these comments juvenile and a waste of time? One commenter said to me personally (via a comment on the blog, of course) that they were all just having fun and I should lighten up. I’m really confused and curious about this….

I reiterate, here’s a kid who was a Meth addict who is blogging about his recovery and daily ups and downs and people think that’s it’s ok to ‘play’ on his blog just for fun?
I don’t get it?

I’m 51 and I didn’t grow up around computers or any of this technology. I love it now. I think it’s great how the world is open for all to explore.

But this whole experience with Nic’s blog/comments has left me really wondering.

I let myself get frustrated with a couple of these (young?) commenters and I left a few comments myself in response to them. I felt really bad afterward. So I left my email address so that if anyone wanted to respond to me directly they could…instead of wasting everyone’s time discussing something other than Nic’s blog.

Well, I haven’t heard from anyone. So, I guess it was the ‘stage’ quality of the comment section of the blog that attracts these people. And I guess it’s also the fact that they are ‘invisible’ that gives them courage. They want everyone to know how funny and smart they are but of course no one knows who they are. I guess. I just don’t get it though.

Can anyone explain it to me? Why people would leave comments like this on this type of forum? For what purpose? Or do you think that it really is just a bunch of young preteens who are home along with nothing to do?

Anyone?

staying out of that same damn hole!

i love this! i found it on someone elses blog. and i had to post it.


Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson (written in 1977, copyrighted material)


I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I fall in.I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.I still fall in ... it's a habit ...
but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Divorce can be a form of child abuse

We have so many ‘at risk’ kids at my school. I want to say the right things to them and do the right things. I’d like to have one kid, someday, look back and say, “I could have ended up on the street, if it wasn’t for Mrs. W.” And, really, not cause I want any public recognition. In fact I would abhor it. But because I am at a point in my life where: I truly want to help these kids. Where: I have the time and the right frame of mind to be of some help. Whether they are rich or poor. I want to help the ones who….really need help.

And, after reading NicSheff and DavidSheff’s books and a lot of other people’s stories. and well, just about anything I can get my hands on….I THINK I can spot a kid in trouble more easily than some, even if he is still doing well in school and not a problem in class. YeT. Even if his parents aren’t [screwed up] children themselves, like so many seem to be.

Ack.

My point? I think, and I don’t mean to oversimplify the psychology of drug addictions at all – but I think that a whole, huge, percentage of kids who find themselves hopelessly, and fairly helplessly addicted to some substance are:

1. a child of a shitty divorce [Parents have a responsibility to their kids when they get divorced….they are suppose to be grownups but so many kids are so hurt in the process….usually much more than the adults involved]
2. a child that was sexually abused, physically abused, or mentally abused [this speaks for itself]

Those two things combined with a genetic intolerance of mind altering substances is a loaded gun for a lot of adolescents.

I know there are many stories to refute my theory. But I think teachers and other support staff in educational facilities have the responsibility NOT to placate parents of kids at risk. I think we, as educators, need to be more informed, and more honest with the parents. Too many teachers are afraid that the parents will be angry with them if they bring up a ‘sore’ subject. Or if they say something negative about a child.

ha. who the fuck cares. save the kid. It’s your job! Better to know you tried than to read the obituary in the paper a few years later.

Some parents just need a guiding hand. And who better than someone who is with their child 6,7, 8 hours a day. Teachers see the ‘real’ side of most kids. Parents only see what their kids WANT them to see.
I have seen so much pain. so many children who are in pain.
but way too many teachers and support personnel care about the ‘test scores’ and how they are judged as teachers/assistants than about the young psyche they are nurturing.

I believe in nurturing the whole child. Will it help? I don’t know.

I believe in confronting parents who suck. Will that help. Who knows?

I believe in, at the very least, being aware. Be aware of the ‘at risk’ kids in your class. They are not only the poor ones. They come in many shapes and sizes. Look into their lives, so that you CAN help. Don’t bury your head in the sand.

Stand up for those kids.

Will it help them fight drug addiction. Maybe. Will it open up some parents eyes. Maybe.

That’s all you can hope for. We as responsible adults in a fucked up education system…..need to give the kids hope. Hope that someone out there cares more about them than they care aboaut their own lives.

david bowie sells out, shit.

david bowie sold out to a Lincoln commercial????

what’s that all about? yuck.

ah. I don’t wanna know why.

It just makes you……..wonder.

this is ground control………….to major tom
~~~~~buy a Lincoln
~~~~~~cause we really need the cash…..
~~~~~put your helmets on…………
~~~~~just in case we crash…….
andmaygodslovebewithyou.

i live on the corner of Welfare and holdingmyhandout Ave.

This is a totally true conversation between a 3rd grader and teacher at my school:

Teacher: so, do you live with mom AND dad?

kiddie:; no, i live with my daddy
Teacher: where does your mom live?

kiddie: she lives on....ummmm....i think it's called....welfare

NO shit TOTally TRue

My school is in an affluent suburb of Rochester NY; My school is in the hidden area of the affluent suburb of Rochester NY; No one would believe that 50% of the children in my school get a free breakfast and lunch. No one ever addresses the problems in our school. because they don't fit in with the communities view of itself.

ack.
oh well. it was a funny conversation. ya gotta laugh!

God is a comedian?

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)


Is God a guy with two eyes, nose, mouth sitting on a cloud looking down on our world and determining what happens and to whom.

Is it some kind of invisible super power in the air that pulls and pushes us through our lives.

Is 'God' an alien presence from another galaxy that is much more evolved than our little earth.

Is it a parallel world that some of us more enlightened humans glimpse every once in while.

How does any one know what 'god' is. How do religious people say 'this is what it is and i know that for a fact' and 'anyone who doesn't agree with my thinking is wrong'. How do they know?

Is God just the word some early civilization made up for being 'good'.
For the good in us. the kind acts we do. the love we feel and give.

And if God is the word for 'good'. Then Satan must be the word that was made up for the 'evil' in people.

For where there is good, there is always evil. Ying and Yang.

People will quote different events that some people wrote down about a guy called Jesus. Only problem is the events are very contradictory. Some guys say one thing happened, others say something else. Years are missing. Some events are overlapping. A lot of this story of Jesus seems to be very fictionalized.

There is some truth to this story, i have no doubt. However, how and when did we humans, latch onto these stories and make such a BIG Business out of it.

Out of being good. kind. caring. loving.

I also have no doubt that we are not alone in these infinite skies. What else exists i have no idea. But c'mon. We can't be the only life form in ever, ever, ever.

And our brains. Ah. what a complex muscle. And some people can use it in such a more enlightened way than others. Some people can 'SEE' things.......does this have anything to do with a 'god'?

probably not.

a higher power? maybe. but not higher because it rules us. higher because it's a more evolved life form. maybe.

i don't know.
how does anyone know.

clarifying an important point

i was re-reading my last post and i wanted to clear up a point. i know that a lot of addicts want to live and want to get better and want to return to the land of the living. but i also know, just as many, just want to get thru the shit and get out on the street, especially the ones with lots of money to throw away, and want to get back to their 'same old' way of living. i do know that most have good intentions. they won't use this drug or that drug anymore. maybe they'll just have a glass of wine occaissionally. but they absolutely won't give up their life style. they absolutely do not want to change THAT much.

i was reading an article about addiction. and the part about how every addict has to hit rock bottom to recover. and then they WILL get better. however, even rock bottom for addicts has a trap door. in other words, there is no hard rock bottom.

so, what i'm correcting or clarifying in my last blog, is that i do not want to be insulting to the people who truly are trying to become real adult human beings, who are trying to grow up, who would like to contribute something to society, who have swallowed their pride and become humble. who have finally found a way to step out of their own skin and have found a way to help other people.

these addicts, recovering addicts, are to be (quietly) applauded for their strength.

the ones who use rehab as a club med. i think they should hook up with the nursing home patients and maybe they could learn something. or do some good. or, maybe, just maybe, they can find a way to really rehab.

Are you a recovering addict or an elderly dementia patient??

My 82 year old mother-in-law is suffering from dementia and is now living in an assisted living type nursing home. she had lived basically alone (her younger son stayed with her on and off) for the last 20 years. She had collected tons of things in her apartment. So my husband, her eldest son, and i went up to the small town in New Hampshire where he had grown up and set about cleaning out her apartment. WOW...what a daunting job. But this isn't about her apartment.

This is about my visit to her assisted living home. What struck me about this place was how almost identical it was to a rehab center. for addicts. All these elderly people were in some stage of dying. Some were hallucinating, some were angry, some just lie in their beds for most of the day, some did not want to eat, some were wandering in and out of others rooms looking for friendship. Their was a floor of the home for the really ill. The ones who needed 24 hour a day care. And it all reminded me of a rehab house. Except these people had for the most part lived full lives and did not bring any of this on themselves. These people would give anything to be back in the world of the living.

I think maybe rehab centers should be attached to nursing homes and the (recovering) addicts should be made to hang out with the elderly. play games with them. talk to them. hang out. and get some perspective on life. and maybe do a little good for someone else. But, i'm bettin' the elderly may be the ones to do a little good for addicts.

After all, the addict and the elderly dementia patient are basically the same. The only difference is one wants to live and one wants to die. which is which?

Thats all i got for now.

nic and jason: so different, so alike

In the last couple of weeks i have become 'obsessed' with two people. two guys. both really cute. both really intelligent. but it's not that kind of obsession. first of all i'm 51 years old, yeah, i say that frequently maybe because i really don't believe it. second i'm married, with grown kids (if you read my last blog) and blah, blah, blah. whatever. my point is i am not obsessed with these two 'young' guys for that reason.

so, who are these guys? First, is Jason Castro, American Idol contestant, top 4, dread locks, halluejiah and over the rainbow to name a couple of his great songs. He is, for lack of a better word, i must use the overused word, amazing, because he just is totally amazing. When i discuss this past American Idol season with other people, i just know when i say that i Love Jason Castro, that most people are going to come up with the standard parrot responses: His singing is all the same type/sound (hmm, like Bruce Sprintsteen?), he can't speak in public very well/at all (hmmm... like Bruce Springsteen at 21?), he acts kind of goofy, different, (hmmm...like every stand out artist that has ever actually 'made it'), he doesn't have the range, he sings such different, strange songs, blah, blah, blah. Well, i have stopped responding to all those comments because mostly i am just speechless. Alright, everyone has their own opinions, but most of these opinions are just echos of what Simon or Randy had to say or of what they have heard other people say. I truly believe that if Simon/Randy gush over a song, then the next morning everyone else will gush. If Simon/Randy diss a song, then everyone else decides why they didn't like it either. My favorite songs, songs that i felt were so heart felt and emotional, were ones that i couldn't believe the judges did not like: How fragile We ARe, the Memories song from Cats, Travelin' Through; But anyway, Jason is an individual. He is not mainstream, nor does he even try to be. He is a truly unique artist. He has a stable, loving, supportive family. No sordid stories to tell. No sad childhood. He has the 'it' factor. When he speaks (or tries to..haha) we all sit up and pay attention. When he sings, we all stop and listen. His voice is haunting. His style is .... so ..... different. Even if we don't enjoy it. We cannot deny that we stop and listen when Jason sings. And i truly believe that once he makes it BIG (which he def. will) all the people who have echoed Simon and Randy during Am. Idol will readjust their 'opinions'. Of course they will, they'll all follow the crowd. At any rate to tie this in with the second guy i am 'obsessed' with, i must say that Jason is the first truly unique singer/songwriter that i have felt such empathy with since Bruce Springsteen (1975). There's something about Jason that just deeply touches me.

The second guy is so far from what Jason Castro is about that it's almost like i have intentionally picked polar opposites. The only thing that they have in common is there effect on me. This second guy is named Nic Sheff. He is an addict. He has been addicted to Crystal Meth, heroin, cocaine, to name a few of his drugs of choice. he is recovering. more than two years sober i believe. he wrote a book called "Tweak". his father wrote a book called "Beautiful Boy". Nic's book was an auto biography about his life from the ages of like 12 - 22, when he last completed rehab. He is now 25 and still sober (hopefully). His father's book is the same tale only from a parents perspective. Both of these books are HELL to read. for me anyway. They are gut wrenching, devastating, horrificly scary, depressing, informative and lastly hopeful. for some reason, i immediately identified with nic. i am not an addict, but i do have addict tendancies. my mother was an alcoholic and died an alcoholic. there was never any rehab. she never tried (at least publicly) to try and quit. addiction ruled my life from as early as i can remember. i had to learn how to live and grow up with someone who was unstable. as early as 5 years old, i had to learn how to shelter and seperate myself from the devasting rampages of an addicted loved one (and for me, the person was the one i was suppose to be able to turn to when I had a problem, ha.) i am terrified of addiction. Nic's story terrifies me. But on the other hand, i feel like i know him so intimately. i feel like, i don't know....maybe that i knew him in some other life. ok. that is weird. i never say shit like that, but that is how strongly he has touched me. when he relapsed the last time with that 'bitch' 'Zelda', I truly felt physically ill. I don't know why. i tried to put the book down and fight the gut wrenching depression but i couldn't step away from it. it was so........haunting. and i felt such anger at that 'woman'. she was like 37 years old and she sucked this poor kid (nic) who had been clean for over a year, who had a full promising life, and she sucked him back into her depraved world. a 20 year old kid is so vulnerable to begin with. he is no match for a semi-famous 37 year old woman. especially when she is f***ed up on cocaine and whatever else. she needed someone immature and who would look up to her and who would love her with adoring, no questions asked, eyes. after reading the book, one of the strongest emotions that i took away was hatred for this woman. She had money, she had connections, she had friends and she used this kid, nic, for her security blanket and brought him crashing down. ah. i know she was an addict too. but it was almost like the molestation of a child to me. it was all so pathetic on her part and so horribly devasting for him. it was very hard to bear witness to.

ok, so how are these two guys alike in any way? they are both unique, amazing, innocent, individuals. they are both very intelligent and very creative and very vulnerable. they both do not seem to alter their convictions, their 'sense of self' no matter what 'stage' they are on. they both affected me more than anyone has affected me in years and years. to me, even tho they are so totally different, they are cut out of the same mold.

they are two people that i would like to meet, to sit down with and talk to, to be friends with. they are both two people that i pray make it in life. they each have much to contribute. they are each so valuable. Love, Peace, to both Jason and Nic. Good Luck, Bad Luck, who knows? It'll all be ok.

the children are gone

Last Saturday my daughter graduated from college, University at Buffalo, and this coming Tuesday my son will receive his Masters in Education from Columbia University in NYC. My daughter has chosen to stay in Buffalo and find employment. She will continue to live in the townhouse she has been renting (i have been paying for) with 2 of her friends. My son will continue to live in NYC and teach there (hopefully). He has been paying his own way with part-time employment and student loans for the last two years. SO, both of my kids have now officially become adults and are ON THERE OWN! She is 22 and he is 23. And i am proud of them, and i am glad that they have chosen to be independent.

What i don't get is the reaction from many, many friends and acquaintances. They can't believe that my children are not going to come back home to live. That they are not going to live with me while trying to save money. That I am glad that they are on there own and that they don't need me to support them anymore. In all but a very few cases, the college graduate children of others that i have spoken to have moved home. Mom and/or dad are still supporting them. Most of them have full time jobs, but pay no rent to mom and dad. Most of them own great cars, take great vacations, have great clothes, party on the weekends, have little or no responsiblity around the house because they really aren't at home that much and have the total freedom to stay overnight with boyfriends/girlfriends whenever it pleases them, to come home for dinner, again, whenever it pleases them or to not show up for dinner and rarely let their parents know of their plans ahead of time. When they are home, moms and dads help them with laundry, car repair, unexpected bills, medical insurance, car insurance, ...the list is endless. The 'kids', of course, never budget for any unexpeced bills becuase they 'really can't afford to yet' and mom and dad are glad to be there to help when they can.

When i hear parents complaining of some or all of the above things, i question them as to why the 'kids' don't get their own apartments? The answers are almost always the same: 1) Mom/dad really love having their kids home and would be so sad to see them move away and would miss them so much cause now they really are more like friends than children. (yeah, friends that walk all over you and in return give you infrequent glimpses of their adored faces). and 2) The kids really need to get on their feet financially and get their student loans paid off. And isn't it ridiculous how much they have to pay for their student loans. And on top of student loans they have so many other expenses these days (hmmm...vacations, cars, clothes, electronics, nights out).

Now, don't get me wrong. If my children decide they need to move back in with me for whatever reasons i would not begrudge them. However, it would not be on the same basis as it was when they left at 17 or 18 years of age. There would be rent, there would be responsiblities, they would need to work full time and they would definitely need to have a plan. As much as i love and enjoy my kids, i think it would wear on our relationship if i became the cruise director on their ship of life. I don't want to 'take care' of them anymore. I don't want to know how late they are staying out. I don't want to have sleepless nights dreaming of car accidents, rape, drugs, and worse because it is now 4 am and the adored are not home yet. And i really don't want them to call me at 3am to tell me they are staying over(hooking up) with someone and won't be home. It would seem quite ridiculous to both of us if they had a curfew or if a new boyfriend or girlfriend had to come in and chat with mom and dad before he/she dates my 22 or 23 year old adult. Or if my kids wanted to hang out at home with their 'dates', what do mom and dad do then? Make ourselves scarce like we did when they were teenagers. Sit with them and watch movies. Do we monitor there alcohol intake while they are over? Do we let there friends sleep over if they've had too much to drink. What about sex? (yes, kids in there 20's generally enjoy sexual relations) Do we forbid sex at home forcing them to go to a motel, the car, the 'friends' house. If the boy/girl friend has their own place, are we okay with our kids spending the night(s) there. If the boy/girl lives with their parents, and those parent are okay with overnight guests, are we okay with our kids spending the night at their home. Does that make us look bad (not that i care). The questions and concerns of having adult children move back in are endless. And the reason there are so many questions/concerns is because it is unnatural. These 20 somethings should be on their own. They were on their own for 4 or more years of college in most cases and it is too hard to turn back the clock and pick up where you all left when they were graduating from high school. It is abnormal to say the least.

The bottom line is: (and it is my opinion only) That if you have done a decent job of raising your kids to be mature, responsible, independent adults, then they should WANT to be on their own. If they can't be on their own for whatever reason, then your job continues until they CAN be on their own. The main goal of any parent should be to launch mature adults into the world.

So moms, dads, whatever you are gaining by hanging onto your kids, letting them freeload off of you, keeping them close to you when they are well into their 20's is not worth the price your children will pay when they eventually (hopefully) go out on their own. They will be inept at bill paying, budgeting money, handling their own insurances and medical problems and being emotionally and physically independent adults. When they eventually get into a serious relationship or marry, they will be a burden on their spouse. They will be a burden on their friends and someday they will be a burden on you.

But maybe this is the underlying plan, to have them never grow up, to have them always depend on you even when married. To give meaning to your life so that you don't have to be independent (of them) either. Maybe if you're lucky they'll get divorced and move back in again!

My favorite saying: A mother is not a person to lean on but rather a person who makes leaning unneccessary.

If you've done your job, your children will not need to lean on you. They will be your equal. You will respect each other equally and be there for each other equally.

Good luck, my children! I am so very proud of you!