the children are gone

Last Saturday my daughter graduated from college, University at Buffalo, and this coming Tuesday my son will receive his Masters in Education from Columbia University in NYC. My daughter has chosen to stay in Buffalo and find employment. She will continue to live in the townhouse she has been renting (i have been paying for) with 2 of her friends. My son will continue to live in NYC and teach there (hopefully). He has been paying his own way with part-time employment and student loans for the last two years. SO, both of my kids have now officially become adults and are ON THERE OWN! She is 22 and he is 23. And i am proud of them, and i am glad that they have chosen to be independent.

What i don't get is the reaction from many, many friends and acquaintances. They can't believe that my children are not going to come back home to live. That they are not going to live with me while trying to save money. That I am glad that they are on there own and that they don't need me to support them anymore. In all but a very few cases, the college graduate children of others that i have spoken to have moved home. Mom and/or dad are still supporting them. Most of them have full time jobs, but pay no rent to mom and dad. Most of them own great cars, take great vacations, have great clothes, party on the weekends, have little or no responsiblity around the house because they really aren't at home that much and have the total freedom to stay overnight with boyfriends/girlfriends whenever it pleases them, to come home for dinner, again, whenever it pleases them or to not show up for dinner and rarely let their parents know of their plans ahead of time. When they are home, moms and dads help them with laundry, car repair, unexpected bills, medical insurance, car insurance, ...the list is endless. The 'kids', of course, never budget for any unexpeced bills becuase they 'really can't afford to yet' and mom and dad are glad to be there to help when they can.

When i hear parents complaining of some or all of the above things, i question them as to why the 'kids' don't get their own apartments? The answers are almost always the same: 1) Mom/dad really love having their kids home and would be so sad to see them move away and would miss them so much cause now they really are more like friends than children. (yeah, friends that walk all over you and in return give you infrequent glimpses of their adored faces). and 2) The kids really need to get on their feet financially and get their student loans paid off. And isn't it ridiculous how much they have to pay for their student loans. And on top of student loans they have so many other expenses these days (hmmm...vacations, cars, clothes, electronics, nights out).

Now, don't get me wrong. If my children decide they need to move back in with me for whatever reasons i would not begrudge them. However, it would not be on the same basis as it was when they left at 17 or 18 years of age. There would be rent, there would be responsiblities, they would need to work full time and they would definitely need to have a plan. As much as i love and enjoy my kids, i think it would wear on our relationship if i became the cruise director on their ship of life. I don't want to 'take care' of them anymore. I don't want to know how late they are staying out. I don't want to have sleepless nights dreaming of car accidents, rape, drugs, and worse because it is now 4 am and the adored are not home yet. And i really don't want them to call me at 3am to tell me they are staying over(hooking up) with someone and won't be home. It would seem quite ridiculous to both of us if they had a curfew or if a new boyfriend or girlfriend had to come in and chat with mom and dad before he/she dates my 22 or 23 year old adult. Or if my kids wanted to hang out at home with their 'dates', what do mom and dad do then? Make ourselves scarce like we did when they were teenagers. Sit with them and watch movies. Do we monitor there alcohol intake while they are over? Do we let there friends sleep over if they've had too much to drink. What about sex? (yes, kids in there 20's generally enjoy sexual relations) Do we forbid sex at home forcing them to go to a motel, the car, the 'friends' house. If the boy/girl friend has their own place, are we okay with our kids spending the night(s) there. If the boy/girl lives with their parents, and those parent are okay with overnight guests, are we okay with our kids spending the night at their home. Does that make us look bad (not that i care). The questions and concerns of having adult children move back in are endless. And the reason there are so many questions/concerns is because it is unnatural. These 20 somethings should be on their own. They were on their own for 4 or more years of college in most cases and it is too hard to turn back the clock and pick up where you all left when they were graduating from high school. It is abnormal to say the least.

The bottom line is: (and it is my opinion only) That if you have done a decent job of raising your kids to be mature, responsible, independent adults, then they should WANT to be on their own. If they can't be on their own for whatever reason, then your job continues until they CAN be on their own. The main goal of any parent should be to launch mature adults into the world.

So moms, dads, whatever you are gaining by hanging onto your kids, letting them freeload off of you, keeping them close to you when they are well into their 20's is not worth the price your children will pay when they eventually (hopefully) go out on their own. They will be inept at bill paying, budgeting money, handling their own insurances and medical problems and being emotionally and physically independent adults. When they eventually get into a serious relationship or marry, they will be a burden on their spouse. They will be a burden on their friends and someday they will be a burden on you.

But maybe this is the underlying plan, to have them never grow up, to have them always depend on you even when married. To give meaning to your life so that you don't have to be independent (of them) either. Maybe if you're lucky they'll get divorced and move back in again!

My favorite saying: A mother is not a person to lean on but rather a person who makes leaning unneccessary.

If you've done your job, your children will not need to lean on you. They will be your equal. You will respect each other equally and be there for each other equally.

Good luck, my children! I am so very proud of you!