In the last couple of weeks i have become 'obsessed' with two people. two guys. both really cute. both really intelligent. but it's not that kind of obsession. first of all i'm 51 years old, yeah, i say that frequently maybe because i really don't believe it. second i'm married, with grown kids (if you read my last blog) and blah, blah, blah. whatever. my point is i am not obsessed with these two 'young' guys for that reason.
so, who are these guys? First, is Jason Castro, American Idol contestant, top 4, dread locks, halluejiah and over the rainbow to name a couple of his great songs. He is, for lack of a better word, i must use the overused word, amazing, because he just is totally amazing. When i discuss this past American Idol season with other people, i just know when i say that i Love Jason Castro, that most people are going to come up with the standard parrot responses: His singing is all the same type/sound (hmm, like Bruce Sprintsteen?), he can't speak in public very well/at all (hmmm... like Bruce Springsteen at 21?), he acts kind of goofy, different, (hmmm...like every stand out artist that has ever actually 'made it'), he doesn't have the range, he sings such different, strange songs, blah, blah, blah. Well, i have stopped responding to all those comments because mostly i am just speechless. Alright, everyone has their own opinions, but most of these opinions are just echos of what Simon or Randy had to say or of what they have heard other people say. I truly believe that if Simon/Randy gush over a song, then the next morning everyone else will gush. If Simon/Randy diss a song, then everyone else decides why they didn't like it either. My favorite songs, songs that i felt were so heart felt and emotional, were ones that i couldn't believe the judges did not like: How fragile We ARe, the Memories song from Cats, Travelin' Through; But anyway, Jason is an individual. He is not mainstream, nor does he even try to be. He is a truly unique artist. He has a stable, loving, supportive family. No sordid stories to tell. No sad childhood. He has the 'it' factor. When he speaks (or tries to..haha) we all sit up and pay attention. When he sings, we all stop and listen. His voice is haunting. His style is .... so ..... different. Even if we don't enjoy it. We cannot deny that we stop and listen when Jason sings. And i truly believe that once he makes it BIG (which he def. will) all the people who have echoed Simon and Randy during Am. Idol will readjust their 'opinions'. Of course they will, they'll all follow the crowd. At any rate to tie this in with the second guy i am 'obsessed' with, i must say that Jason is the first truly unique singer/songwriter that i have felt such empathy with since Bruce Springsteen (1975). There's something about Jason that just deeply touches me.
The second guy is so far from what Jason Castro is about that it's almost like i have intentionally picked polar opposites. The only thing that they have in common is there effect on me. This second guy is named Nic Sheff. He is an addict. He has been addicted to Crystal Meth, heroin, cocaine, to name a few of his drugs of choice. he is recovering. more than two years sober i believe. he wrote a book called "Tweak". his father wrote a book called "Beautiful Boy". Nic's book was an auto biography about his life from the ages of like 12 - 22, when he last completed rehab. He is now 25 and still sober (hopefully). His father's book is the same tale only from a parents perspective. Both of these books are HELL to read. for me anyway. They are gut wrenching, devastating, horrificly scary, depressing, informative and lastly hopeful. for some reason, i immediately identified with nic. i am not an addict, but i do have addict tendancies. my mother was an alcoholic and died an alcoholic. there was never any rehab. she never tried (at least publicly) to try and quit. addiction ruled my life from as early as i can remember. i had to learn how to live and grow up with someone who was unstable. as early as 5 years old, i had to learn how to shelter and seperate myself from the devasting rampages of an addicted loved one (and for me, the person was the one i was suppose to be able to turn to when I had a problem, ha.) i am terrified of addiction. Nic's story terrifies me. But on the other hand, i feel like i know him so intimately. i feel like, i don't know....maybe that i knew him in some other life. ok. that is weird. i never say shit like that, but that is how strongly he has touched me. when he relapsed the last time with that 'bitch' 'Zelda', I truly felt physically ill. I don't know why. i tried to put the book down and fight the gut wrenching depression but i couldn't step away from it. it was so........haunting. and i felt such anger at that 'woman'. she was like 37 years old and she sucked this poor kid (nic) who had been clean for over a year, who had a full promising life, and she sucked him back into her depraved world. a 20 year old kid is so vulnerable to begin with. he is no match for a semi-famous 37 year old woman. especially when she is f***ed up on cocaine and whatever else. she needed someone immature and who would look up to her and who would love her with adoring, no questions asked, eyes. after reading the book, one of the strongest emotions that i took away was hatred for this woman. She had money, she had connections, she had friends and she used this kid, nic, for her security blanket and brought him crashing down. ah. i know she was an addict too. but it was almost like the molestation of a child to me. it was all so pathetic on her part and so horribly devasting for him. it was very hard to bear witness to.
ok, so how are these two guys alike in any way? they are both unique, amazing, innocent, individuals. they are both very intelligent and very creative and very vulnerable. they both do not seem to alter their convictions, their 'sense of self' no matter what 'stage' they are on. they both affected me more than anyone has affected me in years and years. to me, even tho they are so totally different, they are cut out of the same mold.
they are two people that i would like to meet, to sit down with and talk to, to be friends with. they are both two people that i pray make it in life. they each have much to contribute. they are each so valuable. Love, Peace, to both Jason and Nic. Good Luck, Bad Luck, who knows? It'll all be ok.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
the children are gone
Last Saturday my daughter graduated from college, University at Buffalo, and this coming Tuesday my son will receive his Masters in Education from Columbia University in NYC. My daughter has chosen to stay in Buffalo and find employment. She will continue to live in the townhouse she has been renting (i have been paying for) with 2 of her friends. My son will continue to live in NYC and teach there (hopefully). He has been paying his own way with part-time employment and student loans for the last two years. SO, both of my kids have now officially become adults and are ON THERE OWN! She is 22 and he is 23. And i am proud of them, and i am glad that they have chosen to be independent.
What i don't get is the reaction from many, many friends and acquaintances. They can't believe that my children are not going to come back home to live. That they are not going to live with me while trying to save money. That I am glad that they are on there own and that they don't need me to support them anymore. In all but a very few cases, the college graduate children of others that i have spoken to have moved home. Mom and/or dad are still supporting them. Most of them have full time jobs, but pay no rent to mom and dad. Most of them own great cars, take great vacations, have great clothes, party on the weekends, have little or no responsiblity around the house because they really aren't at home that much and have the total freedom to stay overnight with boyfriends/girlfriends whenever it pleases them, to come home for dinner, again, whenever it pleases them or to not show up for dinner and rarely let their parents know of their plans ahead of time. When they are home, moms and dads help them with laundry, car repair, unexpected bills, medical insurance, car insurance, ...the list is endless. The 'kids', of course, never budget for any unexpeced bills becuase they 'really can't afford to yet' and mom and dad are glad to be there to help when they can.
When i hear parents complaining of some or all of the above things, i question them as to why the 'kids' don't get their own apartments? The answers are almost always the same: 1) Mom/dad really love having their kids home and would be so sad to see them move away and would miss them so much cause now they really are more like friends than children. (yeah, friends that walk all over you and in return give you infrequent glimpses of their adored faces). and 2) The kids really need to get on their feet financially and get their student loans paid off. And isn't it ridiculous how much they have to pay for their student loans. And on top of student loans they have so many other expenses these days (hmmm...vacations, cars, clothes, electronics, nights out).
Now, don't get me wrong. If my children decide they need to move back in with me for whatever reasons i would not begrudge them. However, it would not be on the same basis as it was when they left at 17 or 18 years of age. There would be rent, there would be responsiblities, they would need to work full time and they would definitely need to have a plan. As much as i love and enjoy my kids, i think it would wear on our relationship if i became the cruise director on their ship of life. I don't want to 'take care' of them anymore. I don't want to know how late they are staying out. I don't want to have sleepless nights dreaming of car accidents, rape, drugs, and worse because it is now 4 am and the adored are not home yet. And i really don't want them to call me at 3am to tell me they are staying over(hooking up) with someone and won't be home. It would seem quite ridiculous to both of us if they had a curfew or if a new boyfriend or girlfriend had to come in and chat with mom and dad before he/she dates my 22 or 23 year old adult. Or if my kids wanted to hang out at home with their 'dates', what do mom and dad do then? Make ourselves scarce like we did when they were teenagers. Sit with them and watch movies. Do we monitor there alcohol intake while they are over? Do we let there friends sleep over if they've had too much to drink. What about sex? (yes, kids in there 20's generally enjoy sexual relations) Do we forbid sex at home forcing them to go to a motel, the car, the 'friends' house. If the boy/girl friend has their own place, are we okay with our kids spending the night(s) there. If the boy/girl lives with their parents, and those parent are okay with overnight guests, are we okay with our kids spending the night at their home. Does that make us look bad (not that i care). The questions and concerns of having adult children move back in are endless. And the reason there are so many questions/concerns is because it is unnatural. These 20 somethings should be on their own. They were on their own for 4 or more years of college in most cases and it is too hard to turn back the clock and pick up where you all left when they were graduating from high school. It is abnormal to say the least.
The bottom line is: (and it is my opinion only) That if you have done a decent job of raising your kids to be mature, responsible, independent adults, then they should WANT to be on their own. If they can't be on their own for whatever reason, then your job continues until they CAN be on their own. The main goal of any parent should be to launch mature adults into the world.
So moms, dads, whatever you are gaining by hanging onto your kids, letting them freeload off of you, keeping them close to you when they are well into their 20's is not worth the price your children will pay when they eventually (hopefully) go out on their own. They will be inept at bill paying, budgeting money, handling their own insurances and medical problems and being emotionally and physically independent adults. When they eventually get into a serious relationship or marry, they will be a burden on their spouse. They will be a burden on their friends and someday they will be a burden on you.
But maybe this is the underlying plan, to have them never grow up, to have them always depend on you even when married. To give meaning to your life so that you don't have to be independent (of them) either. Maybe if you're lucky they'll get divorced and move back in again!
My favorite saying: A mother is not a person to lean on but rather a person who makes leaning unneccessary.
If you've done your job, your children will not need to lean on you. They will be your equal. You will respect each other equally and be there for each other equally.
Good luck, my children! I am so very proud of you!
What i don't get is the reaction from many, many friends and acquaintances. They can't believe that my children are not going to come back home to live. That they are not going to live with me while trying to save money. That I am glad that they are on there own and that they don't need me to support them anymore. In all but a very few cases, the college graduate children of others that i have spoken to have moved home. Mom and/or dad are still supporting them. Most of them have full time jobs, but pay no rent to mom and dad. Most of them own great cars, take great vacations, have great clothes, party on the weekends, have little or no responsiblity around the house because they really aren't at home that much and have the total freedom to stay overnight with boyfriends/girlfriends whenever it pleases them, to come home for dinner, again, whenever it pleases them or to not show up for dinner and rarely let their parents know of their plans ahead of time. When they are home, moms and dads help them with laundry, car repair, unexpected bills, medical insurance, car insurance, ...the list is endless. The 'kids', of course, never budget for any unexpeced bills becuase they 'really can't afford to yet' and mom and dad are glad to be there to help when they can.
When i hear parents complaining of some or all of the above things, i question them as to why the 'kids' don't get their own apartments? The answers are almost always the same: 1) Mom/dad really love having their kids home and would be so sad to see them move away and would miss them so much cause now they really are more like friends than children. (yeah, friends that walk all over you and in return give you infrequent glimpses of their adored faces). and 2) The kids really need to get on their feet financially and get their student loans paid off. And isn't it ridiculous how much they have to pay for their student loans. And on top of student loans they have so many other expenses these days (hmmm...vacations, cars, clothes, electronics, nights out).
Now, don't get me wrong. If my children decide they need to move back in with me for whatever reasons i would not begrudge them. However, it would not be on the same basis as it was when they left at 17 or 18 years of age. There would be rent, there would be responsiblities, they would need to work full time and they would definitely need to have a plan. As much as i love and enjoy my kids, i think it would wear on our relationship if i became the cruise director on their ship of life. I don't want to 'take care' of them anymore. I don't want to know how late they are staying out. I don't want to have sleepless nights dreaming of car accidents, rape, drugs, and worse because it is now 4 am and the adored are not home yet. And i really don't want them to call me at 3am to tell me they are staying over(hooking up) with someone and won't be home. It would seem quite ridiculous to both of us if they had a curfew or if a new boyfriend or girlfriend had to come in and chat with mom and dad before he/she dates my 22 or 23 year old adult. Or if my kids wanted to hang out at home with their 'dates', what do mom and dad do then? Make ourselves scarce like we did when they were teenagers. Sit with them and watch movies. Do we monitor there alcohol intake while they are over? Do we let there friends sleep over if they've had too much to drink. What about sex? (yes, kids in there 20's generally enjoy sexual relations) Do we forbid sex at home forcing them to go to a motel, the car, the 'friends' house. If the boy/girl friend has their own place, are we okay with our kids spending the night(s) there. If the boy/girl lives with their parents, and those parent are okay with overnight guests, are we okay with our kids spending the night at their home. Does that make us look bad (not that i care). The questions and concerns of having adult children move back in are endless. And the reason there are so many questions/concerns is because it is unnatural. These 20 somethings should be on their own. They were on their own for 4 or more years of college in most cases and it is too hard to turn back the clock and pick up where you all left when they were graduating from high school. It is abnormal to say the least.
The bottom line is: (and it is my opinion only) That if you have done a decent job of raising your kids to be mature, responsible, independent adults, then they should WANT to be on their own. If they can't be on their own for whatever reason, then your job continues until they CAN be on their own. The main goal of any parent should be to launch mature adults into the world.
So moms, dads, whatever you are gaining by hanging onto your kids, letting them freeload off of you, keeping them close to you when they are well into their 20's is not worth the price your children will pay when they eventually (hopefully) go out on their own. They will be inept at bill paying, budgeting money, handling their own insurances and medical problems and being emotionally and physically independent adults. When they eventually get into a serious relationship or marry, they will be a burden on their spouse. They will be a burden on their friends and someday they will be a burden on you.
But maybe this is the underlying plan, to have them never grow up, to have them always depend on you even when married. To give meaning to your life so that you don't have to be independent (of them) either. Maybe if you're lucky they'll get divorced and move back in again!
My favorite saying: A mother is not a person to lean on but rather a person who makes leaning unneccessary.
If you've done your job, your children will not need to lean on you. They will be your equal. You will respect each other equally and be there for each other equally.
Good luck, my children! I am so very proud of you!
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