nic and jason: so different, so alike

In the last couple of weeks i have become 'obsessed' with two people. two guys. both really cute. both really intelligent. but it's not that kind of obsession. first of all i'm 51 years old, yeah, i say that frequently maybe because i really don't believe it. second i'm married, with grown kids (if you read my last blog) and blah, blah, blah. whatever. my point is i am not obsessed with these two 'young' guys for that reason.

so, who are these guys? First, is Jason Castro, American Idol contestant, top 4, dread locks, halluejiah and over the rainbow to name a couple of his great songs. He is, for lack of a better word, i must use the overused word, amazing, because he just is totally amazing. When i discuss this past American Idol season with other people, i just know when i say that i Love Jason Castro, that most people are going to come up with the standard parrot responses: His singing is all the same type/sound (hmm, like Bruce Sprintsteen?), he can't speak in public very well/at all (hmmm... like Bruce Springsteen at 21?), he acts kind of goofy, different, (hmmm...like every stand out artist that has ever actually 'made it'), he doesn't have the range, he sings such different, strange songs, blah, blah, blah. Well, i have stopped responding to all those comments because mostly i am just speechless. Alright, everyone has their own opinions, but most of these opinions are just echos of what Simon or Randy had to say or of what they have heard other people say. I truly believe that if Simon/Randy gush over a song, then the next morning everyone else will gush. If Simon/Randy diss a song, then everyone else decides why they didn't like it either. My favorite songs, songs that i felt were so heart felt and emotional, were ones that i couldn't believe the judges did not like: How fragile We ARe, the Memories song from Cats, Travelin' Through; But anyway, Jason is an individual. He is not mainstream, nor does he even try to be. He is a truly unique artist. He has a stable, loving, supportive family. No sordid stories to tell. No sad childhood. He has the 'it' factor. When he speaks (or tries to..haha) we all sit up and pay attention. When he sings, we all stop and listen. His voice is haunting. His style is .... so ..... different. Even if we don't enjoy it. We cannot deny that we stop and listen when Jason sings. And i truly believe that once he makes it BIG (which he def. will) all the people who have echoed Simon and Randy during Am. Idol will readjust their 'opinions'. Of course they will, they'll all follow the crowd. At any rate to tie this in with the second guy i am 'obsessed' with, i must say that Jason is the first truly unique singer/songwriter that i have felt such empathy with since Bruce Springsteen (1975). There's something about Jason that just deeply touches me.

The second guy is so far from what Jason Castro is about that it's almost like i have intentionally picked polar opposites. The only thing that they have in common is there effect on me. This second guy is named Nic Sheff. He is an addict. He has been addicted to Crystal Meth, heroin, cocaine, to name a few of his drugs of choice. he is recovering. more than two years sober i believe. he wrote a book called "Tweak". his father wrote a book called "Beautiful Boy". Nic's book was an auto biography about his life from the ages of like 12 - 22, when he last completed rehab. He is now 25 and still sober (hopefully). His father's book is the same tale only from a parents perspective. Both of these books are HELL to read. for me anyway. They are gut wrenching, devastating, horrificly scary, depressing, informative and lastly hopeful. for some reason, i immediately identified with nic. i am not an addict, but i do have addict tendancies. my mother was an alcoholic and died an alcoholic. there was never any rehab. she never tried (at least publicly) to try and quit. addiction ruled my life from as early as i can remember. i had to learn how to live and grow up with someone who was unstable. as early as 5 years old, i had to learn how to shelter and seperate myself from the devasting rampages of an addicted loved one (and for me, the person was the one i was suppose to be able to turn to when I had a problem, ha.) i am terrified of addiction. Nic's story terrifies me. But on the other hand, i feel like i know him so intimately. i feel like, i don't know....maybe that i knew him in some other life. ok. that is weird. i never say shit like that, but that is how strongly he has touched me. when he relapsed the last time with that 'bitch' 'Zelda', I truly felt physically ill. I don't know why. i tried to put the book down and fight the gut wrenching depression but i couldn't step away from it. it was so........haunting. and i felt such anger at that 'woman'. she was like 37 years old and she sucked this poor kid (nic) who had been clean for over a year, who had a full promising life, and she sucked him back into her depraved world. a 20 year old kid is so vulnerable to begin with. he is no match for a semi-famous 37 year old woman. especially when she is f***ed up on cocaine and whatever else. she needed someone immature and who would look up to her and who would love her with adoring, no questions asked, eyes. after reading the book, one of the strongest emotions that i took away was hatred for this woman. She had money, she had connections, she had friends and she used this kid, nic, for her security blanket and brought him crashing down. ah. i know she was an addict too. but it was almost like the molestation of a child to me. it was all so pathetic on her part and so horribly devasting for him. it was very hard to bear witness to.

ok, so how are these two guys alike in any way? they are both unique, amazing, innocent, individuals. they are both very intelligent and very creative and very vulnerable. they both do not seem to alter their convictions, their 'sense of self' no matter what 'stage' they are on. they both affected me more than anyone has affected me in years and years. to me, even tho they are so totally different, they are cut out of the same mold.

they are two people that i would like to meet, to sit down with and talk to, to be friends with. they are both two people that i pray make it in life. they each have much to contribute. they are each so valuable. Love, Peace, to both Jason and Nic. Good Luck, Bad Luck, who knows? It'll all be ok.